A recent article in the New York Times about female orgasms and one-night stands – it’s much more difficult for women to achieve than men – was the most popular story on the website for awhile. I was glad to see the story get such widespread notice, but not surprised by the message.
Among other things, it illustrates something not routinely acknowledged or explored in mainstream media – it is successful monogamous relationships, and not quickie dates, that often produce the best romps.
It’s all about sexual communication. Flings with relative strangers don’t involve a sexual vocabulary, a way of communicating borne out of years, or even just months, of intimate companionship. When partners talk, when they experience tactile togetherness over and over again, they have a better shot of achieving mutually great sessions than those lacking such healthy experience. This is true for men and women, but the potency of sexual communication is most keen for women.
For most men, orgasms come fairly easily – it doesn’t take much to curl a guy’s toes. It’s different for women. The kind of heightened arousal that leads to an orgasm comes almost entirely from touch, and not just clitoral stimulation or intercourse. Most women need more profound physical connections for an orgasm to unfurl, and these connections are built over time spent touching, talking and, importantly, engaged in the kind of couples’ play that leads to deep trust.
Don’t get me wrong – one-night stands can be intoxicating and sometimes lead to fantastically orgasmic sexual encounters for women. But neither quick-fling partner should worry if her eyes didn’t roll back in her head during the time between the sheets. Without the sexual vocabulary, the orgasm often slips away.