May 22, 2013
So you freely fart in front of one another and one of you is either tweezing their chin or digging for gold when they get the chance. Being comfortable in your long-term relationship is fantastic, right? The worries that come with dating someone new are gone. You don’t have to be perfect and keep the façade going. You know what I’m talking about. When you are first dating someone you want him or her to only see your best side. No dropping bombs in the bathroom, unshaved bikini areas or cranky moods. We want to appear as the perfect partner for that person. Often doing our own research on what the other person likes so we can truly appear to be “the one” to them by reciting their favorite song lyrics or learning to make lasagna just like his Mama.
Luckily in the beginning you’ll be able to enjoy some true passion, along with obsessively thinking about the other person and the taming of your fiery loins. You’re always on. Yes, it is a bit exhausting being the best version of you, possibly – or hopefully you still resemble you at this point. We all play this unconscious game with our beloved in the beginning. But at some point your plan jumps shark. Whether it is a moment you are forced to be vulnerable or your partner has taken the first step in doing so, gradually the masks comes off. It may be in a time of pain; like the death of a family member or your beau rips a big one in bed. The newness of this relationship gets chipped away into something old and familiar. Some people eventually miss the mystery and the façade. They may even cheat in order to feel that intense passion again; while, others envelope themselves in the realness, the trueness of what has become a cozy little safety blanket. Many of these people will say that there’s some passion left. Like that one Saturday night wifey got a little drunk and let you in her backdoor. But many will wistfully talk about the good old days of spontaneous rolls in the hay.
Which is better? Comfort or passion. Do we have to have one or the other? Are all long-term relationships doomed to bed death? I can tell you it depends on the dynamics of your relationship and whether or not you prioritize passion. I think long term monogamous relationships are lovely. And that there is a true freedom to being yourself with that person that you won’t have with anyone else. Yes, some sexual intimacy may be replaced with emotional intimacy but realize it doesn’t have to be an either/or situation. There are not only fifty shades of grey in BDSM, but also fifty shades of grey within our relationships. We occasionally just need to remind ourselves to look for a different more passionate shade.
Copyright Dr. Kat Van Kirk
April 24, 2013
Well, I finally made my first adult DVD title appearance. No, you won’t see me oiled up taking it in the rear but I did have the pleasure of hosting Adam and Eve’s Guide to the Kama Sutra. Crazy tantric sex moves? Check. Gorgeous actors. Check. Me with a bad bleach job? You betcha. Anyway, in addition to getting off you might learn a thing or two.
You can also go to www.adamandeve.com and get 50% off almost any item, plus free shipping and a free mystery gift when you use the code DRKAT at check out.
March 25, 2013
Lisa Renee in the flesh.
“Her name was Lisa and I could feel the electricity emanating between us as soon as she walked in the room. Would this be an illicit one time affair or would we get tangled in one another’s sensual and complicated worlds? I could now feel her breath on the back of my neck. I turn around abruptly as the tingling sensation runs up and down my spine. “So” she says, in that breathy way she does, “what exactly are we going to do together?”
This is bestselling author Lisa Renee Jones of the highly acclaimed INSIDE OUT TRILOGY. Think of a cross between Fifty Shades of Grey and Basic Instinct. Since 2003 she has written 30 best selling novels. My work “affair” began with her when she approached me about consulting on the use of sex toys and BDSM in her newest book trilogy, The INSIDE OUT series: If I Were You, Being Me, and Revealing Us. She also developed a journal series related to the novels which actually features me, as a sexologist. The main character seeks some sex and relationship advice. Anyway, fast forward and now all of us are engaged in an orgy of product development and placement with www.AdamandEve.com. Lisa and I have been hitting the web with a blog tour and will soon be embarking on a media tour this summer.The Trilogy just got optioned by the STARZ network, so who knows? Will this be a life long long affair or just a steamy one night stand? Either way, I’m happy we’re scratching one another’s back. Meow…
March 4, 2013
It started like this; my husband and I had just finished having sex. I was lolling about in bed; which was a rare thing to do considering we have a two and a half year old and a seven month old; my finger tips came along a lump at the 4 o’clock position under my right nipple. I’m not somebody who has had lots of breast lumps but I had been breast-feeding or been pregnant for the last three years. I had my husband feel it. He thought it was interesting but wasn’t particularly worried about it. I began Googling and discovered it could be a fibroadenoma (a benign condition).
Yes, breast cancer crossed my mind but I had no family history of breast cancer, let alone much cancer period among relatives on both sides. The next day for shits and giggles, I thought I’d have my doc look at it just for piece of mind. The NP felt it and said “just to be sure” she referred me for an ultrasound. Two days later I am watching the face fall on the male ultrasound tech. He goes in and out of the room and says that I’ll need a mammogram asap. He found two suspicious spots in the same area. Welcome to my first mammogram at age 39. They found a third close nodule in the mammogram. By the end of the week I would have a biopsy. I still thought everything would turn out fine.
The night before the biopsy, I had an emotional break down – one of many over the course of the next seven months. The radiologist kept giving me hope saying it didn’t look like a typical breast cancer. I pushed him to biopsy all three nodules to be more conclusive.
My husband knew we needed to take our minds off things so we thought we’d take the kids into Portland and stay at a hotel for a couple of days. Two mornings later, I got the call no one wants. The nurse on the line asked if anyone was with me (bad sign), then she proceeded to tell me “It’s not good. You have breast cancer.” Half believing her, sobbing, crumbling to the floor and taking notes for what comes next, I look at my husband and two sleeping children. All I could think of was “death”.
Come to find out it was the most common type of breast cancer, invasive ductal carcinoma. Something they don’t tell you is that women who are over thirty-five when they first give birth are at a higher risk for breast cancer for the first five years after having given birth. That was my only risk factor. Yes, I have other theories as to how I got this “thing”, my immune system took a wallop that winter due to a new climate and mold in our rental, the last month of my pregnancy was really difficult and then I was learning to parent two kids two and under. I was not working out, meditating or eating as well as I usually do because I was tired. I had started to pull it together a few months before the diagnosis – lost the baby weight, started to feel like my old self again but it was too late. Yes, this makes me sound like I think I was responsible for my breast cancer and I know I am not. But I know how everything is connected and things could have contributed.
Luckily my insurance coverage is amazing and I get into see an oncologist quickly; the long and the short of it…chemo, clinical trials, surgery, and maybe radiation. Holy shit! I descended into a very dark place. I had never even really known anyone with cancer. I thought I was going to die. I have never had a cavity or even a broken bone. This just didn’t make sense.
I did chemo/clinical trial meds and within three weeks, the tumors had shrunk by half. The PET, CAT scan and lymph node ultrasound showed that I didn’t have cancer anywhere else in my body. My oncologist who came on hot and heavy at first was now saying that my cancer is curable. That’s the “C” word I craved to hear but mentally I had already buried myself.
I proceed with treatment plus do everything else my integrative thinking mind could come up with: neurofeedback, a New German Medicine therapist, a hypnotherapist, an empath, a dietician, a naturopath, acupuncture, massage, journaling, art therapy, writing a monologue, meditation, prayer and healing groups. I continued to work out as much as I could; be present with my children and affectionate to my husband in the midst of this medical whirlwind. My husband’s parents come to stay with us for the long haul. They are simply amazing with their help and allowing me the space to heal.
By twelve weeks the lumps are no longer palpable. I have been told I have had one of the best responses the docs have ever seen. Everyone is elated. I’m still trying to tell myself that I will not just survive this but thrive. Everyone always asks how bad the chemo was. Physically it was totally workable because medicine has figured out plenty of ways to deal with the side effects. Emotionally though, I felt like an alien being had taken over my brain. I cried a lot and worst case scenarios were all I could sometimes cling to.
I went in to surgery and when I was finally told that my lymph nodes and margins were all totally clean, it was the first time I had truly exhaled in seven months. My doc is telling me I am cured (one of the 98% if caught early) and I begin to believe him. I’ll be doing some treatments as extra insurance but I am told I don’t need radiation – yippee! I feel like I am beginning to return to this earth, this life that I love so much. I continued to work as much as I could through treatment, so thanks to all of you out there for your patience — if I couldn’t get to your questions or was behind on recording Sex Chat, this was why.
This is not a cancer blog. My entries will continue to be about life, love and sex. This journey is a apart of me. One I am still learning to accept. There are new ways I have been informed about being through this process. Ways that have helped me to be a more compassionate, willing participant in life. I have never looked at my breast cancer as an enemy or that I was engaged in a battle. My cancer was more like a friend that behaved badly. It has taught me so much as a human being. I have been initiated into a part of my personhood I never knew existed. I feel like I’ve been to the other side of fear and death and I can now assist others on that path.
I am healthy and getting my life and work back on track a little more everyday. Everything is truly fine and I need to let it be so.
February 12, 2013
I only have eyes for you?
Some people don’t get the importance of eye contact during sex. Admittedly, this was an issue I personally had in a previous 11 year relationship. Yep, I pretty much went 11 years (granted I was in my twenties) with having sex and not looking at my partner or feeling comfortable with him looking at me. He was kind of on the same page though, so I guess at the time it was a wash.
I am not advocating that everyone all the time has to maintain a deep “soul-gaze” sort of lock on their partner (can you say fatal attraction?) but I am going to suggest that you a) examine your comfort level with this issue and b) try to make some eye contact with your partner on a regular basis. Here’s why…
- It helps you connect with your partner energetically. This is a good thing during sex. Feeling connected by more than a penis or sex toy will help you deepen your relationship and increase your emotional intimacy.
- It can assist you in getting to know more about yourself. For instance, my reluctance to look at my partner stemmed from body shame issues and shame around sex in general. I was brought up as a good Catholic girl. It comes with the package. Along with the confirmation dress and the guilt.
- Eye contact is a great form of non-verbal communication during sex. You can use it as a check in with your partner to communicate what’s working and what isn’t.
- Vulnerability is a good thing. If you realize you have discomfort looking your partner in the eye it is a good indicator that you might feel exposed or vulnerable. Many of us avoid vulnerability like the plague (guilty as charged) but vulnerability and exposing ourselves (inside and outside) to our partner is what deepens our relationships.
- Some don’t like to “be seen” by their partners because they feel like they might be judged about either their body or their physical reaction to having sex – you know the “O” face? This is unfortunate. When I talk to most couples, resoundingly I hear over and over again that judgment is usually the last thing going through a partner’s mind. More often, they are turned on by seeing their partner’s body and facial expressions during sex.
Hopefully, I swayed a few of you out there to look at this issue and your partner the next time you have sex. After all, there is nothing to fear but fear itself and when you get over the fear of looking your partner in the eye during sex, there’s only better sex to be had.