Sexually Dominant Woman

Dear Dr. Kat,

I’m a healthy, well adjusted 40 year old woman who loves sex. I have no interest in getting married or of even getting in a long term relationship. I like that I can have sex when and with whom I want. The problem is that most of my friends and family don’t understand this. They’re afraid that I’m becoming an “old maid” by engaging in my “slutty” ways. They don’t understand how I can seduce men and just have sex without being emotionally tied to the person.  I’d be happy to welcome a regular sexual relationship, but I like that I have the option to fuck someone else. Until recently I was pretty secure in how I felt, but now I’m questioning if maybe there is something wrong with me. Why can’t I be like everyone else?

Sexually Secure In Seattle?

Dear Sexually Secure,

Unless there are some other factors that you’re not mentioning here, it does indeed seem as though you are well-adjusted and healthy. Unfortunately, our culture does not yet positively reinforce strongly sexual women. You seem to be experiencing the brunt of the myth through the comments of your friends and family, regarding their fears of you becoming an “old maid”.  But since many people often feel threatened by a woman with strong sexual prowess, they don’t yet have vocabulary that reaches beyond the term of “slut”.

As long as you are taking care of yourself (sexually, and otherwise) and are not acting out in a detrimental manner (e.g. not using condoms, or having sex under the influence of drugs or alcohol), and  as long as you are having consensual sex with another adult…enjoy! You seem to have the ability to separate love from sex, and can benefit by enjoying sex just for the simple blissful act it can be.

As with anyone, I would suggest that you examine your motivations for choosing the sexual lifestyle you’ve chosen to live, however. Ask yourself, “Am I just avoiding developing emotional intimacy with someone? Am I possibly, commitment-phobic?” If the answer is that you are completely emotionally fulfilled on your own and don’t feel the need to be defined by another person, then you may feel reassured in your sexual practices. For, there are many women out there nowadays who are so secure in their sexuality, that they can feel free to proactively pursue a variety of sexual relationships with men (and other women, of course). As long as you are being honest with yourself about your inner needs, I see no issue with your choice of remaining sexually assertive and unattached.

You may find that this pattern of sexual behavior lasts for the rest of your life or that perhaps after a period of time you may look to develop a more permanent emotional relationship. Sexuality can be much more fluid than one realizes. Either way, the beauty of you choosing to live your life in a sexually bold manner is to be applauded. If you’re doing what feels good in the context that works for you, have at it.