May 31, 2012

Husband is Not Sexual but Affair Is

by Dr. Kat in Sex No Comments

Dear Dr. Kat,

 

I’m in a happy marriage of fifteen years and couldn’t love my husband more. However, I have been having a secret affair for the past year with another man. Although, my husband and I have a very good relationship, he is not a sexual man. Until I met this new guy I had never experienced passion or raw sexual chemistry with anyone before. I feel like he’s reawakened me sexually. I don’t want to leave my husband but I also don’t want to stop this amazing sexual experience either. I feel like I need to do something though because my conscience is finally getting to me. What should I do?

Nina

 

Dear Nina,

 

I guess this is what’s meant by “having your cake and eating it too”.  I’m surprised that it’s taken a year for your conscience to get to you. I do not doubt what an amazing experience it is to find what many people refer to as their “sexual soulmate”. (Newsflash though: there’s usually more than one person in you’re life that might fill this bill).

 

Unfortunately, this person isn’t always the one you end up being in a long term relationship with or even marrying. Sexual chemistry is a funny thing – a strange combination of pheromones, sexual mentality, hormones and attraction. On one hand you must feel like you’ve deserved finding this person after waiting fifteen years or more. On the other hand it has come with a price…your integrity.

 

It doesn’t sound as though you and your sex partner have intentions of being anything other than just that: sex partners, which actually helps to not complicate things.  But I’m not one to give the advice of “don’t ask, don’t tell”. If you can’t live your life openly, I’m concerned that the negatives effects of dishonesty will weasel their way into your current relationship (if they haven’t already). I assume that your sex partner knows you’re married as you’ve probably had to schedule sex around your marital relationship. I can’t help feeling that the way you’re handling things is a bit selfish. Affairs happen and they are ALWAYS a symptom that something else in the relationship isn’t working. I question how “happy” your marriage really is, especially since your husband doesn’t have the benefit of knowledge that his wife is screwing someone else.

 

Sexual chemistry is a beautiful and amazing thing but I don’t think it’s worth lying over. I think you can acknowledge the blessing that you had the opportunity to rediscover yourself sexually (despite how it happened) over the past year but you need to deal with the responsibility that comes with a marriage. If things aren’t sexually what they could be with your husband, you could be addressing it with him instead of someone else. Many times when affairs happen because one partner isn’t sexual enough, I find that the person having the affair never even broached the subject with their loved one. Perhaps if you gave this man you’re so in love with the benefit of the doubt, he might surprise you — then again he might not. In that case at least you have the information that you truly tried and you need to make a decision about how to deal with the situation – openly.

 

I’ve seen times couples recover from a situation like this by rediscovering themselves sexually, negotiating sex-only relationships outside the marriage, settling for the fact that there are other things they value more than sex and staying in the relationship despite it, or if the value of a sexual chemistry is too great to lose…walking away from a great long term but sexually dead relationship. Get honest if not for your husband, for yourself. I have a feeling your conscience will only get louder.