May 30, 2012
Wife Always Wants to Fight Before Sex
Dear Dr. Kat,
My wife and I are 30 and have been married for eight years. Sex has always been great, for me at least. Lately we’ve been having communication problems, we’ve never really been able to fully open up to each other about sex but it’s getting to the point where we end up fighting about it just about every time before we actually do it. The fights are caused by my inability to get her aroused. She needs verbal arousal and I’m no good at this. I need not only visual, but also I need to feel desired, and she will only dress sexy, and it ends there. I’ve told her my issues but she doesn’t seem to understand because nothing ever changes. But I guess I can’t expect her to change if I’m unwilling. I don’t know, I just wish that I could talk to her more loving and sexually. If I could make this happen I think that maybe the rest might fall into place. Also I’m wondering: I was her first and she says that almost every time we have sex she has an orgasm, I’m wondering if she has ever had an orgasm, and just doesn’t know what one is. I guess what I’m really asking is how can I get over deeper underlying issues to talk to her the way she needs to be talked to?
Larry
Dear Larry,
It seems you have both created an impasse in your sexual relationship. The good news is that since you have created it, you can also change it. After eight years of marriage there are bound to be occasional “ruts”. Especially when you’ve boxed each other in over the years. Many people find comfort in deciding who their partners are (sexually or otherwise), and then choose never to think about it again because “gosh, at least you know what to expect from your beloved…forever and ever, right”?
It’s great that you’re asking questions about the relationship and wanting to change things. But you’re also right in acknowledging that if you don’t change, why should she? Coming from a Family Systems therapy background, one of the first things I can suggest is for you to choose to change your behavior first. Once one person in the couple changes their behavior it inevitably causes a shift for the other person in the relationship, whether it be in reaction or perspective. There is also some truth to “leading by example” and treating your partner the way you want to be treated. It would be easy for her to ask why change is so important if you aren’t willing to take the first step. Most people are afraid to be vulnerable and step up to the plate to change first. But if there is anyone you should learn to be vulnerable with, it is your life partner. So, look at it as your own personal exercise and let’s see what happens. And keep in mind you may need to establish a pattern of this new behavior for you partner to really get the idea. It is not a one time only type of thing. It’s nice to have a preference in how your partner will react but “expecting” them to react, when, where and how simply is not fair. The best thing you can do is just trust that what you are doing is the right thing for the relationship regardless and surrender to what happens.
This means also means mixing things up in the relationship in general. Do something different – anything different. Learn to talk about sex in a non-accusatory way. It’s supposed to be one of the more enjoyable aspects to your relationship so learn to feed it. Give it nourishment by talking about it, noticing changes, and making it special. Some individuals find it easier to begin things by just taking a romantic weekend trip. Help her understand specifically what turns you on and when she does it positively reinforce her for doing it. Many go for years in their relationships “assuming” what their partner wants – bad idea. Help her succeed.
I also sense your concern about your wife’s ability to orgasm. Obviously, if you both talked more about it you’d probably get the real scoop. All you can do at this point is take her word for it. I would not make it the complete focus of your sexual encounters. Rather be present in the moment and enjoy yourself. It would be great for you both to discuss masturbation as well since that is how most people really learn about their own bodies and sexual response. It might be a nice gift to leave a copy of For Yourself, a guide to female sexual fulfillment on her nightstand one evening. There’s bound to be some interest peeked on her end.
If you still feel like you’re at an impasse after seriously changing your own ways, suggest couples counseling with a sex therapist. Very often in situations like yours these issues can be addressed in just a few sessions. At the very least your wife will know you care about her and your relationship.
In the mean time there are some great books and videos you might be interested in that offer some suggestions to sexing up your sex life:
Dr. Kat’s Book Crushes:
The Great Sex Weekend: A 48-hour Guide to Rekindling Sparks for Bold, Busy, or Bored Lovers
Exhibitionism for the Shy: Show Off, Dress Up and Talk Hot
Sweet Life: Erotic Fantasies for Couples
For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality
But like I said unless you are willing to take the first step none of these suggestions will go anywhere. It’s time to make a commitment to having a fuller sex life with your wife. The sooner you establish a newer pattern of sexual fulfillment with her the more you’ll have to look forward to in the next eight years of marriage.
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