May 30, 2012
Wedding Night Virgin
Dear Dr. Kat
“My fiancé and I will be virgins on our wedding night (he’s 21 and I’m 19). How can we prepare to have a good sexual experience?”
Sincerely,
Belinda
Dear Belinda,
It’s wonderful that you’ll both be able to share this special experience with one another. There are four main suggestions I can make to you both to help your wedding night be a joyfully sensual evening…
Don’t stress out and get caught up in the expectations
Sex is definitely nothing to stress over. Too often people get caught up in the label of being a virgin and when they have their first experience the expectations can end up ruining the experience. Try not to be caught up in the details (e.g. whether you both have a orgasm or not, if you’re doing every little “right”, etc). It’s all about the process and connecting to your new life partner. This is not a make it or break it event. This will hopefully be the precursor to many enjoyable years of lovemaking. Set the standard by being open to just exploring yourselves together.
If your belief system allows, explore your own body before the big night.
Get to know your body ahead of time. Learning to masturbate and knowing what turns you on can really help you explain your body to him. If you have masturbated for years, make a point to really pay attention to what has worked for you before. For instance, if you are able to have G-Spot orgasms then having him penetrate you from the back will stimulate the G-Spot. If you are clitorally orgasmic (most women are), then trying oral sex with your lover should give you the stimulation you need. Again, don’t make it about the orgasm but just about what feels good. If you aren’t able to masturbate then focus on your other erogenous zones and what feels good there (having your ears nibbled, or him rubbing your back). Develop a “user’s guide” to your body that you can share with him.
Build in some sex play before penetration.
Many first timers want to get right to the main course…penetration. But as you both get more sexually seasoned you’ll realize that penetration is more like one of many delicious side dishes. Do decide to take it slow. Linger on the kissing and caressing, maybe experiment with oral sex (if you haven’t already). You both want to be sure you’ve had enough time to really relax and get fully turned on. Make sure you have enough lubrication before he penetrates you (lack of lubrication is one of the main reasons some women have pain with intercourse). In fact, as a back up you might want to keep a little lube with you to use if you’re still running a little nervous. Nothing like preparing for success.
Talk to your partner
Please don’t decide to go this process alone. You and your partner should be having plenty of discussions about sex all the way along. Engage in this process fully and together. Becoming sexual with a partner can be a wonderful life experience. Decide to do it as true partners. And then after the fact discuss what you liked and what you didn’t — just be open to the process. There doesn’t have to be judgment and hurt feelings. Just be truthful and honor both of your own processes. After all, many couples consider sex one of the most difficult topics to discuss in their relationship. You and your fiancé want to get off on the right foot and set up the best sexual foundation possible. The focus of sex isn’t just between your legs — or ears for that matter, but between each other.
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