June 4, 2012

The Compassionate Break Up

by Dr. Kat in Love 1 Comment

Whether you are doing the breaking up (insert the feelings of guilt, anxiety and sadness), or are the receiver of the bad news (insert anger, devastation, and rejection) it seems that there is nothing to gain from such an emotionally upsetting situation. Add to this the amount of time you have spent with your partner (weeks, months, or years) and the amount you identify with your relationship and partner, and you have a recipe for disaster. It can feel like the whole world is crumbling, especially if you are the one who feels the need to break up. You may spend weeks or months struggling with the fact that you are not happy in your relationship.

 

There are relationships that we know are not necessarily good for us, yet we stay. It might be that we have an emotional dependence, that we do not want to be alone, or that we stay together for status, career, or kids. Everyone’s situation is different. What is unfortunate is how long and drawn out a pending break up can be.

It’s common to be afraid of change. Many people think they can overcome their issues on their own or that their partner will somehow miraculously change. Even the best of us will employ such tactics as avoiding our partner (physically and emotionally) or lying to them about how we feel. We sometimes make the excuse that we do not want to hurt our partner’s feelings. But in actuality this incongruent behavior goes much deeper. Usually, what we are doing by lying is protecting ourselves from having to deal with the feelings of others. It becomes a subconscious game of wanting to avoid the negativity of a partner – a way to hide from the truth so we do not have to really explain ourselves and run the risk of being labeled the “bad guy.”

I often tell clients in the middle of a break up to get comfortable with being portrayed as the “bad guy.” Inevitably, if you are about to break up with someone who does not want to be broken up with (even if your rationale is reasonable), it is better to find peace within yourself about all of the horrible things the breakup-ee might say and think about you than to try and avoid it. It is from this place of knowing within yourself that the break up is right for you and knowing that your now ex-partner will go through a whole array of emotions that you can handle the situation with integrity.

I see many people spending so much time trying to avoid being the “bad guy” that they are willing to lie or at least avoid telling their partner the truth about why they are breaking up with them. For instance, rather than leveling with their partner that there just is not much sexual chemistry between them, they would rather say “I just don’t have time to be in a relationship because of work.” It seems like a harmless white lie, but in actuality you have given your integrity away, and your ex will never have the benefit of knowing what really happened between the two of you. And often, this one white lie will lead to others because we all know that the person being broken up with is looking for answers, and they will more than likely begin to question everything. And because the reason for being broken up with might seem plausible, the person you are breaking up with will find that your reason does not sit well with them and it may leave them even more confused and upset than if they just knew that things were not working out sexually. They might have even had an inkling of this early on and would have been more prepared to deal with that situation than some excuse you came up with. But because you did not want to hurt their feelings now you make it about something it is not. That’s not fair to you or your partner.

To truly have compassion for the person you are breaking up with is to see them as a human being who deserves the truth. It sometimes helps to imagine your partner as a loved one (a sister or brother) in a similar situation. How would you want to see that played out? You would obviously hope that it would be done in the kindest way possible with them having the benefit of the truth. Here are some tips on breaking up with compassion.

• *If you have to break up with someone do it before things get worse and more entangled. Don’t wait until you are willing to do “anything” to get out of the situation.
• *Tell your partner the truth…always. The truth may hurt but it’s all that matters.
• *Allow them opportunity to go through the whole range of emotions in reaction to the news (being angry, crying).
• *Let them question you so they can truly understand why it didn’t work.
• *Don’t avoid the reaction by trying to do it in a public place. That is not a fair strategy on your part. If you are truly worried that they might harm you or themselves then get the support of a friend or counselor if need be and have them wait outside of a private place for you.
• *Do make it as a clean a cut as possible. Don’t leave your belongings at their home for a long period of time after the break up or ask them to do things for you.
• *Since you are the one who has broken up with them, give them space. If you have the same friends and go to the same social places, let them call the shots for awhile, while you back off.
• *Leave yourself open for them to process with you again if they need to. You don’t want to get caught up in a whole cycle of seeing them all of the time again, but if they feel like they need to meet you for coffee and discuss how they are feeling then try to accommodate them. But let them come to you.
• *Take care of yourself. You might have to deal with grief you weren’t aware of over the loss of a relationship. Journal, meditate, eat well and talk to your friends about the situation.

Ultimately, break ups can be life-changing events. They can lead to wake up calls about how you are running your life and help you decide what you really want from your next relationship. If you feel you must end a relationship do it without regrets.