May 31, 2012
Swinging and Jealousy
Dear Dr. Kat,
My wife and I have been involved in the “swinger” scene for some time now. It’s been a wonderful way to express our sexuality as a couple over the years. However, I’ve sensed she has had more than a fleeting attraction to one of the other husbands we’ve been playing with in the last month. She talks about him all the time and when we show up to parties she seems to focus on him. I’m somewhat surprised because we’ve always been so open with one another but I don’t know how to even bring this up. How can I address this with her without her feeling like I don’t trust her? I don’t want us to have to change our lifestyle.
Thanks,
Derrick
Derrick,
Attraction can happen anywhere, whether you’re in a married monogamous relationship of 20 years or dating a variety of people at any given time. For many people who swing it’s about sharing the physical act of sex with others, completely separate of their primary emotional relationship. Love and sex are neatly separated out and that’s that (in a best case scenario). This is quite different for those who follow a polyamorous lifestyle. These individuals actually believe in maintaining primary sexual and emotional relationships with more than one person on an on-going basis. However, any time one is sharing an intimate space with another can breed emotional feelings for that person.
Now, I can just hear the average lay person now, “Well, what do you expect with putting yourselves in a situation like that. Sooner or later someone is going to fall in love with someone else.” Or the myth that if you swing there is no such thing as cheating. In actuality, cheating has to do with deceit which true swinging has nothing to do with. It’s quite different to negotiate with your partner about having sex with someone else (as a couple or otherwise), versus one or the other sneaking around. There’s usually alot of negotiation that occurs in a swinging relationship. I’ve meet many couples who maintain superior communication as a result of needing to establish boundaries while swinging. What behaviors are and aren’t ok, who they choose to play with, as well as when and where. And over the years these boundaries may change with the needs of each person in the couple.
The act of swinging thrives on attraction and sharing your sexuality with other couples. You’ve probably both dealt with situation in which you’ve acted on those attractions within the context of your swinging. You must somehow feel this situation might be different from the previous standard of behavior your wife has set. So, if you get the sense that there is more going on here than you may both be talking about — there probably is.
You both don’t appear to be new to the game of swinging and so that tells me you probably aren’t over reacting to the situation like some one who was still feeling the scene out. Feelings for other people may inevitably come up. The trick is to bring these feelings into the overt. Ignoring the situation won’t make it better. You need to call your wife on this, granted it should be in a constructive way. And negotiate this issue just like you have every other one. Questions should be asked and both of you need to be prepared to hear the answers. I don’t believe that this situation has arisen because you don’t trust your wife. But relationships ebb and flow over the years and everything needs to be renegotiated at some point. Obviously there are other people involved in this equation, namely the other husband and his wife. Perhaps once it’s been discussed between yourselves (if you have a trusting relationship with the other couple) you could discuss it with them as well. What needs to be clarified here is: Are there feelings on your wife’s and or the side of the other husband that may interfere with both of your primary relationships, and if so what do you need to do about it? Don’t leave the decision up to your wife to bring this up. By time that happens it may already be too late and what she’ll be saying is that she’s moving on.
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