May 30, 2012

Sleep Sex

by Dr. Kat in Sex No Comments

Dear Dr. Kat,
I have a question about my boyfriend. We have sex often — and
good sex. But what I can’t figure out about him is that he jerks off
while he’s sleeping. He doesn’t cum. He doesn’t realize he is even
doing it. Sometimes I go to another room because he does it throughout the
night and keeps me up. What is your feedback on why and how to possibly
resolve this problem?
Gina

Dear Gina,
Sexual arousal is very common during sleep. In fact, in REM-sleep males get erections and females experience engorgement and vaginal lubrication.
However, there is a difference between sexual arousal and a pattern of masturbation while asleep (aka sleep sex). Most of the time people who engage in sleep sex have a history of other sleep disorders (also referred to as parasomnias) such as REM behavior disorders, apnea, bed-wetting, teeth grinding, sleepwalking, etc. A parasomnia is any pattern of behavior (including masturbation) that involuntarily happens while someone sleeps. All these phenomena are related to neurochemical disorders in the brain or abnormal brain activity.

In general, parasomnias can occur at various times throughout the sleep cycle or more commonly when a person is ‘cycling up’ toward awareness from the deeper stages of non-REM sleep. At this level of awareness people are not able to engage in complex behaviors such as abstract thought or critical thinking. However, low-level brain mechanisms, like those used to walk, eat, have intercourse or masturbate, are activated. Most people though experience a mild paralysis while they are asleep – in order to sleep soundly. Those with parasomnias don’t seem to have this barrier to movement.

Sometimes a person’s predisposition to sleep sex may be triggered by psychological factors; for instance in rare cases someone who is sexually repressed might be unconsciously acting out these behaviors as they sleep. Certain circumstantial situations may be involved as well; anything from infrequency of sex, low sexual interest during waking hours, to sexual arousal directly preceding sleep, or the sexual imagery of dreams. Obviously, sexual caressing or masturbation could occur in anyone while asleep. But it is when these behaviors become a pattern and either interrupts the sleep of the person acting them out or the partner the person might be sleeping with, that it becomes a problem. In someone with a predisposition stress, drugs, or alcohol may precipitate sleep sex episodes too.

The basic issue is that when parasomnias such as this occur there is a blurring of the lines between the conscience and the unconscious. It can be very disturbing to partners as those people acting out these behaviors may seem like they are fully awake; when in actuality they are completely disassociated from their waking self – unaware once they have awoken of all or part of their sleep behaviors.

The act of sleep sex can be viewed as positive or negative (obviously though if it is disruptive to your sleep it’s probably considered negative). But some people can actually get aroused by the event. Some feel it is a “bonding” experience; and it can help break down barriers around masturbation for couples, improving sex because it makes it easier to talk about. It can also normalize the act of masturbation for couples.

If it is a problem for one or both of you, I would direct you to a local sleep clinic, or a physician familiar with sleep disorders – there are some prescription medications that are affective in treating parasomnias. Before going that route though I would suggest trying Melatonin, as some have found that it is able to put them in a deeper sleep with less body movement response. Regardless, the important thing is that you both talk this issue out and find a positive way to deal with it. You may need to exercise some sensitivity when bringing up the subject with your loved one too; some people have a lot of unwarranted shame around their masturbatory practices – especially when the behavior is out of their control. Show your support and help him understand that the cause of this issue probably has more to do with what’s going on between his ears than between his legs.