June 4, 2012

Saving Your Relationship from the Seven Year Itch

by Dr. Kat in Love 1 Comment

Your sex life is on automatic. You have been with the same person a number of years now. You’re comfortable with your sexual routine: you kiss your partner, they give you oral sex, you then move into missionary position and you’re both done. You always know what to expect and iYour sex life is on automatic. You have been with the same person a number of years now. You’re comfortable with your sexual routine: you kiss your partner, they give you oral sex, you then move into missionary position and you’re both done. You always know what to expect and it’s always the same but then you start wondering if there could be more? You love your partner but where’s the excitement and romance? You realize that other people are having the relationship you wanted – one that you suddenly acknowledge you don’t have. The quirky little endearments that you used to love about your partner now grate your nerves. You begin to feel unappreciated and so you start to look around, noticing the sexy new assistant at the office. What if…? Long-term relationships can be incredibly rewarding. After all they allow you to experience the world with a person you care for dearly, you have someone to bare witness to your life, you never have to be alone. But the question seems to be, why don’t more long-term relationships stay happy – or together? Everyone in our culture has been brought up with the romantic ideal of “till death do us part” but that doesn’t seem to be how things pan out usually. The concept of serial monogamy is on the rise: committing to one person for a period of years and then moving on to someone else. Why do so many people call it quits around the average seven-year mark? After all if “Brad and Jen” can’t make it, then who can? And should we let go of the ideal or is there something we can all do to enrich our long-term relationships and actually continue to grow? After a period of time most individuals in a relationship begin to feel a lack of appreciation. The minutia of every day life has taken over their love and sex lives. The physical and spiritual connections to their partners wane. Some question whether they are missing out – the grass might indeed be greener. And in our fantasies it always is. That’s apart of escaping the drone of day-to-day life. Our lives are lived unconsciously as we simply learn to react to “what happens to us”. Part of the issue may be that we become so identified as a couple that we lose the freedom of feeling empowered as individual. We lose our identities and rather than work with our partners to redefine ourselves we begin to look outside the relationship. We look for someone else to see us as exciting and sexual. We buy into the fantasy of living a different life. So what can we do to avoid becoming a statistic? First, develop an awareness of your feelings. If you begin to see a pattern of you desiring to look outside of the relationship, call yourself on it. Next, get the courage to communicate your issues to your partner. Too many times we wait thinking the feelings might go away and avoid saying anything because we don’t want to hurt our partner. It festers, you begin to feel farther way from your loved and then an opportunity arises when you react to the advances of someone else. The old saying that it “just happened” doesn’t really hold much water. Research suggests that before most people have an affair they began to benignly think about it a year prior. Decide to do something about it. Take a dance class, decide to experiment sexually, do something, anything different. Begin to see one another in a fresh, new light. Most couples box one another in, into who they think each other are. Allow yourselves to grow and expose yourselves to new situations – individually and together. Maybe sexually you want to get out of your routine so, rent an adult video and mimic the positions they are doing, take a partner’s yoga or wine tasting class, or just take a vacation where you can stay in your bedroom naked all day together. As individuals we have the opportunity to change our situation every day. Most of us are just too scared to risk changing what we already have. Many would rather suffer silently than risk themselves a bit. There needs to be a fundamental change in thinking in order to get over this hang up. You can train yourself and your relationship to grow and evolve. It just takes some effort. The role you play in your relationship is not written in stone. If you already love your partner and have a good foundation, why not make it work? Too many times people just feel it’s easier to start over with someone else. Give your relationship the benefit of the doubt. Know that if it ends that you have tried everything. Long-term compatibility (sexual and otherwise) rarely just happens – but you can make it so. You might just have that hot new lover in the form of your ten-year life partner. t’s always the same but then you start wondering if there could be more? You love your partner but where’s the excitement and romance? You realize that other people are having the relationship you wanted – one that you suddenly acknowledge you don’t have. The quirky little endearments that you used to love about your partner now grate your nerves. You begin to feel unappreciated and so you start to look around, noticing the sexy new assistant at the office. What if…? Long-term relationships can be incredibly rewarding. After all they allow you to experience the world with a person you care for dearly, you have someone to bare witness to your life, you never have to be alone. But the question seems to be, why don’t more long-term relationships stay happy – or together? Everyone in our culture has been brought up with the romantic ideal of “till death do us part” but that doesn’t seem to be how things pan out usually. The concept of serial monogamy is on the rise: committing to one person for a period of years and then moving on to someone else. Why do so many people call it quits around the average seven-year mark? After all if “Brad and Jen” can’t make it, then who can? And should we let go of the ideal or is there something we can all do to enrich our long-term relationships and actually continue to grow? After a period of time most individuals in a relationship begin to feel a lack of appreciation. The minutia of every day life has taken over their love and sex lives. The physical and spiritual connections to their partners wane. Some question whether they are missing out – the grass might indeed be greener. And in our fantasies it always is. That’s apart of escaping the drone of day-to-day life. Our lives are lived unconsciously as we simply learn to react to “what happens to us”. Part of the issue may be that we become so identified as a couple that we lose the freedom of feeling empowered as individual. We lose our identities and rather than work with our partners to redefine ourselves we begin to look outside the relationship. We look for someone else to see us as exciting and sexual. We buy into the fantasy of living a different life. So what can we do to avoid becoming a statistic? First, develop an awareness of your feelings. If you begin to see a pattern of you desiring to look outside of the relationship, call yourself on it. Next, get the courage to communicate your issues to your partner. Too many times we wait thinking the feelings might go away and avoid saying anything because we don’t want to hurt our partner. It festers, you begin to feel farther way from your loved and then an opportunity arises when you react to the advances of someone else. The old saying that it “just happened” doesn’t really hold much water. Research suggests that before most people have an affair they began to benignly think about it a year prior. Decide to do something about it. Take a dance class, decide to experiment sexually, do something, anything different. Begin to see one another in a fresh, new light. Most couples box one another in, into who they think each other are. Allow yourselves to grow and expose yourselves to new situations – individually and together. Maybe sexually you want to get out of your routine so, rent an adult video and mimic the positions they are doing, take a partner’s yoga or wine tasting class, or just take a vacation where you can stay in your bedroom naked all day together. As individuals we have the opportunity to change our situation every day. Most of us are just too scared to risk changing what we already have. Many would rather suffer silently than risk themselves a bit. There needs to be a fundamental change in thinking in order to get over this hang up. You can train yourself and your relationship to grow and evolve. It just takes some effort. The role you play in your relationship is not written in stone. If you already love your partner and have a good foundation, why not make it work? Too many times people just feel it’s easier to start over with someone else. Give your relationship the benefit of the doubt. Know that if it ends that you have tried everything. Long-term compatibility (sexual and otherwise) rarely just happens – but you can make it so. You might just have that hot new lover in the form of your ten-year life partner.