May 29, 2012

Only Orgasms with a Vibrator

by Dr. Kat in Sex 1 Comment

Dear Dr. Kat,

My girlfriend never orgasms during intercourse, she claims she’s not getting enough clitoral stimulation, but with a vibrator she orgasms in no time. I have tried everything. It’s very disheartening. Advice?

Dennis,DelMar

 

Dear Dennis,

Everything? Really? Maybe we should clarify what everything is. I seem to think that there are a few issues getting overlooked here. The good news is that your girlfriend is orgasmic. More than likely, she’s able to have orgasms through masturbation. So, at least we’re not starting from square one. The trick is to somehow transfer her ability orgasm over to partner sex. The bad news is that sometimes male and female anatomy doesn’t always rub each other the right way during intercourse, literally.

 

What it comes down to is how your girlfriend wants to be able to have orgasms. You can’t really “give” her an orgasm. It’s ultimately her responsibility. She needs to figure out what works for herself. The two main reasons why women don’t orgasm in intercourse is that they don’t really know what stimulation works best for them or they aren’t communicating what they know will work to their partner. The best way for her to learn to have partner orgasms is by masturbating on her own then showing you what she has learned. Otherwise, it’s all guess work. Beyond that there are a few things you can do as a couple to help the process along.

 

I don’t mean to condescend, but please be sure you do know where the clitoris is. You’d be surprised how many men (and occasionally women even) don’t know where it’s located. There’s something called a Sexological Exam that you could try with your girlfriend. It sounds clinical but it can actually be a lot of fun, and with it some mysteries can be answered. Make an evening of it — lay her down and ask her to point out each part of her external genitalia to you. Then try touching each of these parts in different ways using your tongue, fingers, sex toys, feathers, breath and be sure to vary pressure and speed. And don’t just focus on the clitoris but all the other sensitive areas — labia minora/majora (vaginal lips), mons pubis (fleshy skin above the vaginal opening), perineum (little stretch of skin between the vagina and the anus), and of course the anus. You may want to try stimulation dry and with lubrication. While you’re doing this she can assign a number on a scale of 1-5, from least stimulating to most stimulating.

 

By doing this exercise you can also figure out whether she responds well to G-Spot or anal stimulation as well. For some women to orgasm the clitoris doesn’t have to be involved at all. You can try this by broadening the spectrum of positions used during intercourse. For instance, rear entry (or doggy style) is really conducive to G-Spot stimulation.

 

I know many women who can only orgasm if they are on top controlling penetration. This way they can be sure the clitoris is hitting your mons pubis in the right way. More specifically, a good way for her to start this position is actually lying on top of you with her legs straight. Funny enough, this position most imitates the grinding motion many of us grow up learning to do as we masturbated against a pillow.

 

I can’t tell you how important rhythm is. She needs to somehow communicate to you when you’ve hit the right rhythm. And don’t stop – this motion can be very specific and may need to last several minutes to build to orgasm. Most people don’t realize that with the right stimulation women orgasm just as quickly as men do.  This goes the same for oral sex.

 

There is always the option of her using a vibrator while you are penetrating her. Please don’t think this is cheating. At this point, any orgasm is a good orgasm. Don’t let your pride of not satisfying her with your penis get in the way. Try not to take it too personally and just look at it as though you need to get more familiar with your girlfriend’s “Owner’s Manual”. She needs to help you map out all her good parts and what kind of stimulation really does it for her. It’s obviously in her best interest to help you out – she’ll be the one getting the orgasms and you’ll be the one to feel as though you’re fulfilling her sexually. Everyone wins.