May 31, 2012

No Sexual Chemistry

by Dr. Kat in Sex No Comments

Dear Dr. Kat,

 

I’m in a new relationship and things are absolutely great between my boyfriend and me. We’re really compatible in all areas of our life except sex. There just seems to be no sexual chemistry between us. It takes either one of us forever to initiate and once we do we seem to fumble a lot. It ends up being awkward to the point that we end up not wanting to even have sex. I am sexually attracted to him and believe he is to me but I can see us staying together and just dealing with the fact that good sex just won’t be apart of our relationship. Do we have any options?

 

No Chemistry in Los Angeles

 

Dear No Chemistry,

How sad that you’re willing to forgo such a vital part of a relationship. I do understand that the two of you obviously have a very strong companionate bond and it seems as though things are so good in the other arenas of your relationship that maybe this one thing doesn’t seem that important. After all, plenty of couples do sacrifice passion for stability and friendship. I don’t underestimate the value of finding someone you can share the majority of your life with. However, the fact that you’ve chosen to write in tells me that perhaps you won’t be able to settle for this lack of sexual chemistry. Sooner or later this issue may continue to rear its ugly head whether it’s through underlying resentment or maybe one of you being attracted to someone else.

 

But there is plenty of hope in your situation. It’s a newer relationship, meaning that maybe you just have to put some time and communication into dealing with this issue.  Time should consciously be spent early on in relationships on learning about one another – the positive and the negative, and also on building a strong foundation to carry you through the rest of your relationship. Building a strong sexual foundation shouldn’t be ignored. There’s an old saying that when sex is good it’s makes up only 10% of the relationship but when it’s bad it’s 90%. Being that you two are in the early stages, you have the opportunity to address these issues and then make a decision regarding whether it’s worth staying in.

 

Acknowledging that sex can be difficult to talk about – especially with a new relationship, I’m wondering how much of your concern has really been spoken. Too often I see people drift into a pattern of behavior that they’re not happy with, without a word, and then months or years down the line it ends up ruining the relationship. All because no one wanted to “rock the boat” and say anything. So step up! Take responsibility for how you’re feeling. There are plenty of diplomatic ways to broach the subject. You could pull him aside and make a point of mentioning all of the wonderful things that are working in your relationship and then say something like “I want our sexual relationship to be just as strong as the rest of what we share. Can we do something to build a good foundation to our sex life too?”

 

I’m assuming from what you’ve said that he may be unhappy too. And if this is the case you could both start to throw some ideas on the table as to why you think you’re not connecting sexually. Here are some questions to ask yourselves:

 

• What are the negative messages you’re telling yourself about sex? What’s going through your head?
• Is it initiating intimacy that’s the problem? If this is the case, it usually has to do with fear of rejection.
• What are the physical sensations you’re feeling as you’re “fumbling” through your sexual encounters? Anxiety, nervousness?
• What are your patterns? Does it get more awkward depending upon what you’re doing? For instance, is it during foreplay, oral sex, penetration?
• Are you both familiar with your own bodies? If you aren’t familiar with your own, how can someone else be?
• Do you have poor timing? Is it happening at a time when you’re preoccupied with work or not feeling as sexually attractive?
• When you get the stimulation that’s right for you, do your bodies respond appropriately by getting an erection or lubricating?

 

Once you guys get honest and do some dissection you can really begin to work on creating some options for yourselves. The type of work will really depend on what issues you come up with. Often times it comes down to doing some of your own psychological work and then setting up special time for yourselves to be sexual and explore each other’s bodies. Maybe you want to back track and not have oral or penetrative sex for a few weeks. Just work on touching one another in new ways, kissing, and learning to map one another’s bodies out a bit. Using sensual massage products may be a good place for you to begin your explorations in a non-intimidating way. You’ll both need to create a safe space where you can say what feels good and what doesn’t. A great book to check out would be Dr. Marty Klein’s Beyond Orgasm which discusses the process of getting honest about your sexuality.

 

It sounds like you both have a lot going for you otherwise. I believe it would be really worth it to address this issue and give yourselves a shot at having a completely fulfilling relationship. Not everyone comes with one another’s “owner’s manuals” so to speak, so maybe you two need to begin writing your own for one another.