Dear Dr. Kat,
Upon returning from a trip I discovered gay porn movies and magazines that belong to my husband of five years. When I confronted him about it he admitted that he had always had fantasies about men but was not gay and had no interest in physically exploring other men. Should I believe him or is he just trying to hide his homosexual tendencies?
Veronica, Carmel Valley
Dear Veronica,
Well, I can’t answer the question about whether you should believe him or not. Ultimately, you’re the one who knows your spouse and can speak best to his trustworthiness. But if he hasn’t given you reason to not trust him prior to this then you shouldn’t stop now.
The term “homosexual tendencies” is an interesting one. It may be all they are. After all, one person can’t really label another person gay, straight, bi or otherwise. Only the individual can make that decision. As sex researcher Alfred Kinsey has said, sexuality is on a continuum, very few people are entirely gay or entirely straight. If you take into account experience and fantasy, we all fall somewhere between the two.
You didn’t mention that the two of you had any other problems in your sex life, so I can only assume that his exploration into these materials is a healthy part of who he is sexually. I’d be more concerned if you inherently didn’t trust him or if there were other issues with your sex life. In an indirect way he may have wanted to you to know about this facet of his sexuality and purposely left the materials out to be found. It’s always easier to lead a more authentic sexual life if we aren’t hiding our “dirty” little secrets from our partners.
Everyone has got their own erotic template of what turns them on. For instance, there are many people who have fantasies that they would never want to act out. That’s what make fantasies so great…you can live out all the taboo things that you would never do in real life. If you have additional concerns talk to your spouse about them. If he’s open to it maybe you can find out what the appeal is to him, how the interest started etc. Granted, not everyone may want to know the specifics, but perhaps the more truth you know, the less intimidated you will be by it. It could also help you figure out how you feel about the issue as a whole and whether or not this is a part of his sexuality that you want him to share with you.
Many times sexual revelations like this one can bring a couple closer together. This can be the perfect opportunity for you to perhaps put a sexual secret on the table to deal with as a couple as well. Who knows? Maybe you want to share a little gay porn with your hubby. I know many women who find gay porn even hotter than straight, and the guys tend to be a lot better looking in them too.