May 30, 2012
How to Make A Threesome Happen
Excerpt from College Magazine
1. Is jealousy a large obstacle in getting a girlfriend interested in sharing her boyfriend in a threesome?
For most people in long-term relationships where an open relationship wasn’t established early on, jealousy is definitely a common bedfellow. — Dr. Kat
2. If so, how can this obstacle be overcome?
Communication really helps. Negotiating the parameters of the encounter and debriefing after can help to navigate the experience. It’s not about avoiding jealousy but about managing it. We’re all human beings with various attractions to one another. The issue is bound to come up in a couple whether they engage in threesomes or not. — Dr. Kat
3. Is it important to set boundaries with significant others beforehand?
Boundaries are a part of the negotiation process. Questions you should ask one another include, “Should our threesome include someone we do or don’t know?” “How do we handle the post-coital exit?” “What behaviors are OK and what aren’t?” Trust me; you’ll avoid a lot of hurt feelings and awkward moments if you discuss these issues first. — Dr. Kat
4. Would a boyfriend suggesting a threesome mean he is unsatisfied with the sex in the relationship? Or, could it make it sound this way to a girlfriend?
It could mean that but not exclusively. College is a time for experimentation and figuring what you want in relationships and who you are. Threesomes can be a part of that process if you are genuine about it. — Dr. Kat
5. If so, how can this be avoided?
If he’s proposing it, the situation shouldn’t just be about what he wants. The girlfriend’s desires and fantasies should be addressed too. In fact, that can be a great way to titillate her; by making sure she is satisfied with the experience. — Dr. Kat
6. How should having a threesome be handled or discussed after the fact?
Having an open discussion about what worked and what didn’t needs to happen first and foremost. Some people try a threesome and realize it brought up too many issues or that they just aren’t cut out for it. Both long term partners also need to agree that if it doesn’t work for one of them that they might not pursue another threesome experience in the future. If this is the case, both partners need to honor that decision. I’ve seen couples where the one partner that wants to continue doing it pesters the other one constantly. Not a healthy dynamic. — Dr. Kat
7. Could this be potentially destructive to a relationship?
Destructiveness is always a potentiality when it comes to threesomes. It’s simply more variables to juggle in a relationship and if you don’t have a relationship that’s rock solid with open communication, it can undermine things pretty easily. — Dr. Kat
8. What “do’s” and “don’ts’” kind of advice could you perhaps provide for readers interested in engaging in a threesome with their significant other?
Do:
Have open communication with your partner. Talk about your fears.
Be clear to the third party what kinds of expectations you have while having sex and after.
Define what behaviors are acceptable and what aren’t. For example, oral is OK but not penetration.
Figure out what happens the morning after.
Negotiate the setting, who will be involved etc.
Include fantasy play for both partners.
Be prepared to masturbate. Realize that at different points you will be the “odd man out”.
Use protection.
Don’t:
Be under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Judgment simply gets shot to hell.
Be focused only on you and what you want.
Pester your partner about having a threesome. It’s a huge turn off. Either he /she is interested or not.
Blab to everyone about it. Use some discretion about what you choose to tell other people.
Have high expectations. Threesomes rarely go down exactly as you envisioned them.
– Dr. Kat
9. Can a threesome be just as psychosexually gratifying for a woman as it can be for a man?
Absolutely. According to research, it is one of the top fantasies for women — whether the third partner is male or female. Which, by the way if she is interested in two guys and her male partner is only interested in two girls; he couple might want to try it both ways (so to speak). — Dr. Kat
10. Do men have any reason to have worries/reservations about a threesome?
Sure, there are the same dangers to the relationship for both partners. However, when it comes to men, they might not expect to have the added pressure of “performing” for both partners. Sometimes the worry can cause erection issues and feelings of inadequacy. — Dr. Kat
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