May 30, 2012

Dr. Kat’s Practical Tantra: Tantric Sex Play (aka Foreplay)

by Dr. Kat in Sex No Comments

Tantra is not goal oriented. Tantra is a process of aligning your own energies and then intermingling them with another. Therefore, sex need not be a linear process – one step leading to the next, culminating in orgasm. Granted, orgasms are wonderful experiences but if that’s the only reason you’re having sex you might be missing a few things in the process.  When most people think of the term foreplay they get caught up in this type of linear thought. The name says it all; foreplay is “before” the main event. It’s the act many people learn to rush through to get to their orgasmic reward. But what if sexplay (not foreplay) was enjoyable no matter what phase of the process you were in?

Imagine a world where you remove the expectation of orgasm. A world in which you learn to linger in the details of communing with another human being; you become attuned to the nuances of the other person and your body’s own reaction to various stimulation. There is no beginning, no end; just a vortex of touch and feeling swirling around and through you. Sounds blissful doesn’t it?

Through Tantric sexplay, you can become bonded to your partner in ways you never thought possible, because suddenly they aren’t just a receptacle for sexual desire. They become apart of your energetic process. You can learn to align and synchronize your energy <link to chakra article>, but regardless of working with your chakras there are simple ways in which you can turn hum drum foreplay into thrilling sexplay…and intercourse may not even be involved.

The common assumption is that desire must precede sexplay. Not so. If you can be conscious about it and seek out sexplay whether you’re feeling desire or not you can ultimately create desire. There are schools of thought that say for many people (women in particular)  — if left to their own devises and hectic schedules of everyday life – sexual desire will not come naturally. The issue is that women are waiting to desire sex. If they don’t desire it, they don’t have it. The suggestion here is to find time for sexplay whether or not you feel like it. Because once most people are engaged in the moment and their bodies begin to respond, desire bubbles up on its own. Taking time out to have “play” dates or even “play” moments is what makes Tantric sexplay so profound.

The writer of the Kama Sutra (the 3,000 year old sex manual) says, “Because they belong to the same species, man and woman seek the same pleasure in sexual relations. This is why desire must first be stimulated by preliminary attentions.” He also suggests music and games that get lovers into the mood before retiring for more physical contact. This includes talking about sex, a lost art for most modern lovers. Sexplay is not simply, “rubbing her clitoris and kissing her a few times”.  As a general rule, some women may take slightly longer to arouse for intercourse than men.  Devoting more time to exploring her body equals more lubrication.

[MST1] Another good idea is to remove the requirement of orgasm. Decide that you will skip intercourse for the next few sessions. [MST2] You can do things to focus on simply giving or receiving touch whether it’s an oiled massage or spooning naked in bed with candles. That is Tantric sexplay at it’s best. The only expectation you’ll need will be to feel centered within yourself and bonded with your partner.

You can even decide to have sexplay in public. This doesn’t mean what you think it might. Decide to flirt and caress. Go somewhere sexually charged like a sexy concert, or erotic gallery opening. The reason the word “play” is in both foreplay and sexplay is because it is playful and fun. Let the rest of the world’s commitments slip away between the two of you.

In general be sure to explore all areas of one another’s body. There are a plethora of erogenous zones. If there’s a nerve ending, there’s a way to make that place feel amazing. Work with your partner and map out your bodies. It’s a lifelong process neither of you will forget. And please realize sensations change on a day-to-day basis. So always look for feedback from your beloved. Learn to verbalize and give information on what is working and what isn’t.

And don’t forget to incorporate some breathing exercises. Learn to breathe fully and deeply on your own then coordinate with your partner. Get into positions where you can feel one another’s body inflate with air and then relax. Breathing is a cornerstone of Tantra and once you learn to do it with your partner you can literally begin to feel every cell wake up in your body. It’s a very sexy thing to do and it makes sex and orgasm even more intense.

Use all of your senses — taste, touch, listen, smell, watch. There is something to be said for John Mayer’s song “Your Body is a Wonderland”, because it is! It’s your own personal amusement park. Sure you can ride only the big roller coaster but you’re missing out if you aren’t enjoying the other rides as well and Tantric sexplay is your e-ticket to them all.