May 31, 2012
Coming Out as a Lesbian to Family
Dear Dr. Kat,
I’m 19 and in my second year of college away from home. I had only dated boys until this past year. Since then, I have had several sexual experiences with a wonderful woman I met and I now believe that I’m in love with her. I never expected to be in a lesbian relationship but I really want to pursue this. Anyway, I’m going home for a few weekends and I don’t know how to tell my family and old friends from high school – they’re going to freak. What should I do?
Sally
Dear Sally,
For many, college is a time of experimentation and discovery. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that your experiences are merely something you are “trying out” but many people dally in same sex relationships and don’t end up staying with it for the long term. Often times it is just an opportunity to push our sexual boundaries, for others (as it appears to be in your case), it can be the realization of a whole new world. The fact that you believe that you are in love with this woman and want her to meet your family and friends back home is serious business as far as I’m concerned and I would like you to feel prepared for all of the possibilities that may happen as a result of you sharing this new part of your life with your loved ones.
You stated that you have had “several experiences” with your lover. I’m not sure what this means or how you’ve defined your relationship with her. Is she aware that you have these feelings for her? Have you both decided that you want to pursue a full relationship with one another? Until these questions are answered I wouldn’t go any further with the plans to bring her home to Mom and Dad. There’s a lot the two of you need to figure out before you present yourselves to the world.
I would also ask you to be sure your motivations are clean of just trying to rebel against your parents or your old life. I don’t know if you’ve put out any hints thus far but it could be very upsetting to be blind sided with this kind of news, especially if it is out of spite. Think about going home on your own first and perhaps sitting down with a few friends and family individually. Let them in on what you’re experiencing and how happy you are. There may be a variety of reactions but ultimately your friends and family love you and will hopefully be able to embrace you as the person you are. This should prepare them to eventually embrace the woman you love. I’m also concerned for your girlfriend that she be thrown into this without you first feeling out the situation. It could be overwhelming for her if you barely get the words out of your mouth, “I’m in a lesbian relationship” and then pull her into the fray to deal with the some potentially difficult reactions.
Beyond the relationship, you’ll need to decide how you want to identify yourself sexually. If this relationship went no further would you pursue a lesbian lifestyle? Would you go back to men? Perhaps both sexes interest you. I don’t want you to feel like you have to label yourself, but if your sexuality comes up you may want to figure out how you feel about yourself. And this will be especially true whether you bring your girlfriend home or not as you may want to share your sexual identity with your family regardless. Give yourself some time to see if this experience will stick and become a true part of your repertoire.
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