May 30, 2012
Are You with Your Sexual Soulmate?
Unlike a chemistry set, sexual chemistry is anything but formulaic. Who we’re attracted to, when, and of course why may all be questions we’re unable to answer as we gaze lovingly at our partner. Romantic chemistry can exist on many levels, from how well you and your lover get along on a day-to-day basis to that raw sexual passion you share with one another – or do you? Most people admit that who they are in a long-term relationship with isn’t necessarily the person they have had the best sex with. Very often you’ll hear someone talking wistfully about “the time” they had mind-blowing sex. But what happened? Why isn’t that amazing sex with the person you’re with right now?
The term “soulmate” gets thrown around quite a bit. There’s an assumption that everyone only gets one in a lifetime and that one person must exemplify everything you’ve ever wanted in a partner. But more accurately there are many people out there who might fit the bill. Luckily, it’s not about our “one and only” but it‘s about the kind of chemistry you have. Being in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean that you are soulmates on every level, especially sexually. It’s also one thing to know that you aren’t with your sexual soulmate having never met someone you would define as your sexual soulmate versus having that amazing experience and knowing exactly what you’re missing. It can be difficult to relate to your current partner when they seem to fumble, be too rough, or simply just not be tuned into your needs. The definition of a sexual soulmate will vary from person to person but most agrees that it involves an animalistic draw to someone and then having that other person anticipate correctly your every whim.
When you’re not in a relationship with your sexual soulmate there may be a lot of confusing feelings. You may feel guilty that you’re not attracted the same way to your partner, you may feel guilty that you still fantasize about the other person, and ultimately it may cause problems in your current relationship because you question if your partner can even be your soulmate if don’t have sexual chemistry. It can be very painful for you to have to live unfulfilled in this way. Not being in a relationship with your sexual soulmate doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily in a bad relationship and that’s what can make it so hard. Everyone needs to decide for himself or herself what they value the most in a relationship. You can have plenty of chemistry in other aspects of your relationship that is worthy of you staying together.
Perhaps too, there is an assumption that sexual chemistry can’t be developed. In some cases this might be true but in others there is potential for development. It may be a lack of skill, time, or attention to the issue. If you never give yourselves the opportunity to fully explore your sexuality how can you know completely that you don’t have some type of sexual chemistry with your current lover? Do something different, clear the schedules, or take a purposefully romantic vacation. If it’s a matter or skill – talk to your partner. Focus on what they do right and then tell them what gets you really weak in the knees that they have never done to you before. Get sexually vulnerable with your partner and get descriptive about fantasies. Or take an evening and walk you lover through an owner’s manual guide of your body, saying things like “Touch here. This works for me because…” Sometimes the chemistry is just there waiting to be discovered. Sometimes it just gets lost along the way. Have a glass of wine, light some candles and get to work. Sometimes sexual soulmates are made and not born.
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