May 31, 2012
Are Looks Unimportant in Online Dating?
Dear Dr. Kat,
I met this guy online in October and in about a week we decided to see each other in person. When I saw him in person I was shocked, he did not look what I expected him to look like. He sent me some pictures, before I met him in person; the first picture he sent was a picture of him when he was younger. I kind of liked that one but the other two I did not like. He then told me he looks much better in person so I went to see him. When I first saw him in person I decided I did not want to see him again because he wasn’t my type, yet I did not stop.
I am pushing myself so hard, because I am 36 years old and want to have a baby. I just had surgery to remove a fibroid from my uterus and that even makes it harder for me. The thing is Doctor, I love this guy when I talk to him over the phone, we talk almost three hours every other day, but when I see him in person, it’s always a problem. I get overcome with the fact that he is not handsome. I’ve read other people’s comments online and I know I should just convince myself that looks are not as important as personality.
I need advice — I don’t know what to think or do anymore. We have not kissed or done anything yet and it has been three months since I have known him. I miss him when he does not call, and I love to talk with him over the phone; we have a lot in common but when it comes to in person — oh boy, I don’t want anything to do with him. What should I do?
Beverly
Dear Beverly,
Sometimes it can be difficult to get really real with ourselves and truly examine our motivations for how we behave. Your underlying desire to have a child seems to be fueling your interest in this person. Granted you do seem to enjoy his company (when he’s not in person). You genuinely seem to want this to work this out and in a perfect world looks wouldn’t matter but attraction is a funny thing; when people try and tell themselves it doesn’t matter — most people usually end up in relationships that they wish they hadn’t. Attraction is powerful and while it is not the whole equation, the lack of attraction can severely hinder an individual’s satisfaction with their relationship. The fact that you have also been reluctant to be physical with him over several months leads me to believe that this may not be situation in which you can “learn” to be attracted to him. Just because you enjoy talking with someone and you miss them when you don’t, doesn’t mean that you are in love with them and from everything that you’ve said you don’t suggest to me that you are in love with him.
I am also wondering where his feelings are in all of this? You seem very focused on your own issues (how you feel about him, wanting to have a baby etc); you’ve not indicated how you think he feels. After this many months of no physical contact with him, he must be wondering what’s going on as well. I’m assuming neither of you have actually broached the subject of your true feelings for one another. You might want to clarify that above and beyond anything else. And if he is experiencing very strong feelings for you, you are now getting into the dangerous territory of leading him on.
Most people have a gut instinct about a person within moments of first meeting them. It sounds like you had yours and you’ve chosen to ignore it. If you can’t even imagine kissing him, how could you even be considering having sex with him? Even if the purpose was only to have a child? This situation wouldn’t be fair to him either. He is an individual who deserves to find someone who is attracted to him and who wants to build a life with him. I understand your concern with being 36 and feeling like you’re lacking the relationship it would take to become pregnant and raise a child, but wouldn’t your rather enter onto the path of motherhood providing yourself and your child the best possible case scenario — a loving parental relationship; rather than settling on a relationship that may fall apart within a matter of years?
I would suggest sitting him down and explaining to him (as gently as you can) that you’re concerned that there is a lack of sexual chemistry and/or attraction on your part. It may be hard for him to hear it but he deserves the opportunity to also tell you how he feels and to at least respond to your concerns. If you want to pursue it from there at least you will both be on the same page. And if you do want to continue dating (I suppose just for the benefit of the doubt), I would suggest that you do see if there is any sexual chemistry. At this point it doesn’t sound like you have any real idea about how that might be either.
I’m sure you have a lot to offer someone but making decisions based upon anything other than your true feelings towards someone will end up being unfair to the them and ultimately yourself – and maybe even your future child. Face up to your feelings and put your issues out on the table.
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